The Amarillo Corn Caper

circa 1953

This is a story about drankin...and our drankin buddies...

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."

                                        -- David Daye.

                                                           

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

                                -- Henny Youngman.

                                   

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

                                -- Benjamin Franklin.

                                                       

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I
grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

                                -- Dave Barry.

                                                  

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."

                                -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

                                       

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools (friends)."

                                -- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls)

......

Now that I've reminded everyone of the sophisticated nature of our group, I want to relate a story

that occurred in 1953.  We were having a party at the "clubhouse" that included a considerable amount

of drankin', some swimmin', and other stuff.....one of which was decidin' to raid a nearby farmer's

cornfield.  Those volunteering to do the deed were Jack, Jimmy, James, and Tooter.  Now, keep in

mind that Jack had just arrived at the party, having been out with his sweetie, Evelyn, so he was not

as drunk as James, who was at the staggering and giggling stage.  And James wasn't as bad off as

Jimmy, who was seeing double, crawling on the floor, and crying over his old dog, "Sic'um", who had

died the year before.  Tooter, having already sworn off of that old devil, booze, and content to just

play "42" and take everyone's money....was stone-cold sober!  Well, this bunch set out to steal

the corn.  After Jack parked the car, they had to cross a long, narrow bridge to get to the part

of the field where the choicest ears were to be found. Only two of them could cross this bridge

at a time. However, they all had flashlights so getting across was not a problem. Tooter made

it in one minute, Jack in two minutes, James struggled but made it in five minutes, and Jimmy, after

much falling and yelling, made it in ten minutes.  As they were gathering the corn, they heard a

gunshot and a voice shouting, "OK, you sons-a-bitches, the police will be here in 20 minutes and I

am going to have your asses!...I am going to put a stop to you stealin my corn!"  Well, in the panic

that ensued, all but one of the flashlights was lost as the guys staggered and stumbled back towards

the car.  When they came to the bridge, it was too dangerous to cross without a flashlight, only two

could cross at a time, and, remember, it took Jimmy 10 mnnutes to cross, James 5 minutes, Jack 2

minutes, and Tooter 1 minute.  Do you think they can figure out a way to cross the bridge in less than

20 minutes and escape the police?

Leave it to Tooter ... he will figure it out and save his buddies!